[20-something talk] I promise, you are not alone. (Trigger: Mental health issues*)

*If you think you are experiencing symptoms related to mental health problems, please seek professional help.

A few months ago, a friend who used to be close to me, said this:

“You’re so fake. You’re such an attention-seeker”

At that time, I was obviously shocked. My whole mind and body reacted to this with “I’m not. I have never been and I will never be”

But now, I kinda wish that what that friend said was true.

I kinda wish that I was just faking my feelings. I kinda wish that all the anxiety that I’m suffering, all these sleepless nights, all the times when a panic attack hits and I feel like I am dying, when my heart beats so fast I can’t breathe normally, I wish all of these are fake. I wish they’re just emotions that I build up to get people’s attention. I often look at my hospital document and wish the prescription is not there. Mood disorder. Anxiety disorder. Bipolar disorder. Sleeping pills. I wish they’re all fake. If that’s the case, when I’m alone, I can turn them off and stop suffering. I wish I can do that.

But they’re real. They’re all real, like monster under the bed. They’re real. And what’s worst, they come to me when I’m alone, and disappear when people are around. Like how adults never believe when kids say they’re scared of the monsters.

I, for once, had wished that someone will go through this, and then they would understand how I actually feel. No, it’s not a one-time thing. No, it’s not because I’m overreacting. No, going out and drinking doesn’t help. No, I’m not making this up. No, it’s definitely not because I am not currently in a relationship.

But right after that, I knew I should not have wished for such thing. I should wish that nobody has to go through this instead.

If you’re here and you feel the same way, trust me, you’re not alone. And trust me, with the right help and the right people, with the courage inside you, you’re going to get through this. It is gonna be a long journey, and as of now, as I am writing this piece, anxiety is still hitting me and I swear I’m this close to a breakdown (you can’t see me but my fingers are very closed together). And if you ask me if it’s going to get easier, I could tell you, no, it’s not. It will never be easy, but you will learn how to battle with it and come out alive.

And remember, all your feelings are valid. No one has the right to tell you otherwise.

Love,

Sam.

[20-something talk] Memories are good, even though they hurt sometimes

Hi guys! Before I get to the main point of this post, I just want to let you know that I do remember my promise on my acne journey post. I am not done with the treatment yet and I don’t want to jump to any conclusion about whether this stuff or that stuff work for me, so I’d prefer to wait till the end of the treatment before I start writing the post.

Meanwhile, I would like to open a corner called “20-something talk”, where I rant about certain things I experienced in my twenties. Everybody’s experiences are different and I personally have always found it interesting to learn about other people’s experiences and thoughts, but I have also learned that not everybody is willing to do so. Not everybody wants to listen to my stories, and sometimes my thoughts are so messy it takes a lot of patience for someone to be able to sit through them, and I have not found many people that are willing to do so for me.

So I want to open this corner, first and foremost for myself. I don’t like keeping all of my thoughts to myself, it’s tiring and not mentally healthy. This blog is a second home to me, where I can write about anything and everything, so I just figure “Why not?”. Secondly, if anyone here is going through what I am going through or just simply have thoughts you want to see, I hope you can feel free to rant about them in the comment.

This post is, as the title, me ranting about some memories that are so happy but hurt me sometimes. Memories that I treasure, that I never want to erase, but sometimes wake me up at night with tears rolling down my face.

It’s so weird how our brain links smell and sounds, figures and moments to certain emotions, certain feelings. Like every time I watch “Friends” the Christmas episode, I would be able to feel the freezing feelings of snow falling all over me as I walked down the familiar street leading to my small apartment in Fort Collins, Colorado. I could almost feel the warm heat as I opened the door to my room, where the heater had been turned on and welcomed me. I could feel the softness of the blanket, I could hear my roommates talking and I could smell them making dinner. All of those, because the first time I binge-watched Friends was during winter months while I studied abroad in Fort Collins, Colorado.

The same thing would happen to me if someone posted a random photo of Colorado State University, if someone mentions Fort Collins, or if I meet someone from my college days. The memories would always flow back in full force – with smells, colors, sounds and emotions, all blended into ones. I remember how I once saw a photo of New York, and it instantly brought me back to Thanksgiving of 2014, when I stood in the middle of crowded Times Square, in front of Sephora, with the strong wind and rain blowing in my face, but feeling so happy, wishing time could stop at this moment because it was too magical. And it brought tears to my eyes knowing that I would never be able to go back to that moment, to be the exact person I was at that time, full of hopes and happiness and dreams.

I treasure these memories so much, yet I am sometimes afraid of going back to them, afraid when they appear in my dream. Because to me, it’s kinda painful when memories turn into dreams, when things I have experienced turns into things I wish I could do again, when people I have met turn into people I wish I could meet again. But all in all, even though these memories might hurt, I absolutely 100% positive, have no regret that they have happened in my life.

Do you have those memories that you love so much, but every time you think of them you feel a little bit hurt, because they are too beautiful?

 

 

Just a quick update!

Hi my dear readers!

Sorry I haven’t been active for a while, I have just got a new job and currently am quite occupied with it. I have a lot of stuffs I plan to write about, a lot of songs I want to review since it’s the peak of summer comeback season right now, but I probably won’t be able to do it in a while more. I promise I will comeback as soon as I can.

I am also thinking of starting a whole new session for skincare, in which you guys can walk with me on the battle with acne. I’m currently under treatment for severe acne caused by allergic reactions, and no, it’s not the type where you can treat with just any cosmetics products, nor the type that most beauty bloggers are showing (just a few pimples, or one cystic acne at most. I’m having a bunch of cystic acne and pimples and white heads at the same time). I’m still treating it, so I can’t tell you now if the treatment and the products I am using right now are actually working, but in a month I should see some results, and I will update you guys on it (with real photos).

Anyway, thank you for following my blog even when my updates are so irregular, and I promise I will be back soon!!

 

[Kpop song review] BTS – Fake Love

BTS has returned with their album Love Yourself: Tear and the title track “Fake Love”, marking one of the most anticipated comebacks of this year. I know “Love Yourself” is a series of albums that link with each other and all have a background story, but as someone who doesn’t follow BTS closely, I will only be writing this review on the song “Fake Love” itself.

The song definitely has a western vibe to it. It doesn’t really sound like any other Kpop song, but more like an US-UK song, which kinda fit with the group’s expansion to international music scene. However, I feel like the song also doesn’t have any climax; I was listening with the hope of the song coming to an interesting chorus, or a powerful rap, but the song goes on without both of those two. It’s not that the song is not good or addictive, their chorus is actually quite catchy, but I guess I was just expecting a climax like BTS usually has with their title track. There are specific parts of the song that resembles BTS’s other songs in the past, and I can’t help but think that this song might actually have a whole another meaning behind it, with links to other part of the “Love Yourself” series.

What I like the most about this MV is actually the members’ makeup, especially I think Jin and Jungkook’s makeup is really pretty.  Another interesting fact I found out after reading some review on the MV is that some scene in this MV is linked to each member’s fears (like Jungkook with the fear of darkness, or Jimin with the fear of water), and at the end it seems like each member starts to come to terms with their fears. There was a part of the MV where “Save me” can be seen, and the background at the beginning and the end reminds me of the statue in “Blood, Sweat and Tears”. So I definitely think that the MV has a background story to it. Their choreography is super on point, as expected from BTS.

Check out the MV here. Turn on CC for English translation.

[Kpop song review] Honestly,… – Eric Nam

Hi guys! I know I’m late to the game, but I will be reviewing Eric Nam’s new song “Honestly,…” today. The song is from his newest EP with the same name, and I have to say that I like it from the first listening.

I think we don’t have to discuss on how talented Eric Nam is or how powerful his vocal is, and in “Honestly,…”, besides continuing to prove his beautiful voice, Eric has also brought a new wave to the recent Kpop scene. I have grown tired of the recent “either-EDM-or-tropical-house” trend, so the vibe that “Honestly,…” brings – a mix of guitar and synth pop, is a nice change. I really like how the song builds up gradually and then the beats drop at the chorus, followed by a funky, upbeat dance breaks. The song has a nice western vibe, which distinguishes Eric from other Korean idols.

Eric has put a lot of efforts in this song, he even comes to 1Million dance for a choreography, and even though he still looks awkward doing the dance he’s trying his best to bring the best performance.

Overall, I love the new feeling that Eric brings to the Kpop scene every time he comes back with a new song. The whole EP is good, if you like his vocal and music, you should definitely check it out!

Check out his MV here

[Kpop song review] (G)I-DLE – LATATA

Hi guys! Cube’s newest girl group, (G)I-DLE has officially debuted with their album “I Am” and is promoting their title track LATATA. Here is a bit of what I think about the song.

Overall the song is a blend of tropical house and hiphop, and it somehow resembles KARD’s style. Tropical House has already been overused in Kpop for the past 3 years already, that’s why even though the song is not bad, it doesn’t give a strong impact and sounds just like any other group’s song. The pre-chorus is quite interesting to me – mostly because Minie and Yuqui’s vocal tones. The chorus and the dance break is catchy, even addictive to a point, and Soyeon definitely kills her rap parts.

The song is not bad, it is just not enough to stand out among all the tropical house tracks. I wish Cube has had another way to highlight the girls’ vocals a bit more, they have such a variety of vocals in the group. Especially for Yuqui, she has such a deep voice that I wish to listen to more.

You can check out the music video here.

 

 

[Kpop song review] Winner – Everyday (favorite songs review)

 

Hey guys! I have been crazily busy last week, but I have determined to write at least this review, because this album by Winner is really Dae to the Bak! I have been listening to it a lot since it was released, and since I don’t have time, I decided to at least write review on my favorite songs of this album

Everyday

Personally I think the song is quite nice, even though I do agree there are certain parts that autotunes are overused, and the beats are sometimes distracting because of too many things going on at the same time. But I actually like their catchy chorus, with upbeat and refreshing vocals and raps throughout the song. The song might not be very well-produced, but it’s definitely catchy and suits the upcoming summer heat well. I specially like the final bridge, I think their vocals sound really nice in that part.

Air

This is absolutely my favorite song of the whole album. Honestly, I like “Air” better than “Everyday”, and I think this song can definitely be pulled off as a side track to promote (but Winner went with La La, another upbeat song). The bridge is really nice, in my opinion, and I like Jinwoo’s sincere voice during that part. The chorus gives me a chilling feel, while still makes me want to dance. The last bridge gives the song sort of a “quiet down”, before building up to the last chorus. The part “Hands up in the air” is a nice twist to the song as well, and I love the instrumental sounds at the end.

 

Turn off the lights (Mino solo)

This is actually a pretty good song, Mino’s voice and rap is really good. I also like the mix of ballad and R&B vibe of the song. This kind of slow, mellow song is a a nice change after the previous 3 upbeat songs, and it also proves that Mino can do well in both rap and sing.

La La

Another upbeat song, and also the side track that Winner picks to promote alongside with Everyday. This song is definitely a clubbing song, and probably gonna hit bigger if they release it in the summer (but I bet some club will play this song later on). The hook and chorus of the song is simple and straightforward. I appreciate the instrumentals though, not many auto-tunes and messy dubstep sounds is already a plus. The song is gonna do well in concert as a attention-getter song.

For

After “Air”, “For” is my second favorite song of this whole album. The pure ballad, sad song is just exactly my type, and it’s such a nice change after La La. Their vocals are showcased well in this song. I really think that both Jinwoo and Seungyoon have improved so much, I can feel the sincerity in their voices. The rap comes in a slow tempo, totally fitting the song. The instrumental is mostly guitar, and the boys perform the song in their comfortable vocal range, with a bit of falsetto here and there, which makes the song so chilled to listen too. That’s why I really like “For”, even though there’s no climax to the song.

Movie star

I don’t know why I am so drawn to this song even though the lyrics are quite hard to understand (for a beginner in Korean like me haha). But I like the mixture of hiphop, ballad and especially the electric guitar bridge near the end. Also, I think that it’s their “lazy” voice while singing the song that makes it quite interesting. The song serves as a nice change in mood compared to previous song “Luxury”.

So those are all of my favorite songs in this album. You can check out the full album below, as well as the music video for Everyday.

EVERYDAY (MUSIC VIDEO)

 

[Kpop song review] Distance – CLC

From the same album, but with a totally different feel from Black Dress, comes CLC’s second MV “Distance”. The song is a ballad that goes similarly to any other Kpop ballad song out there, but somehow to me it brings back a lot of old-school Kpop vibe. I keep seeing a bit of T-ara’s ballad songs in this one, those like “Lie (ballad ver)”, with a little mix of Bigbang “Monster” (maybe because of the rap part, and the I love you that reminds me of “I love you baby I’m not a monster”). But I think they pulls off this concept well, it touches old Kpop fans’ heart, and it’s a nice twist among the recent dance songs’ comeback.

The MV is pretty, I really, really like their make-up looks. This MV is completely the opposite of “Black Dress”, in here, CLC shows off their feminine side, with white dresses, subtle mature make-up looks, and sad lyrics. “Distance” is a confirmation that CLC is a group that can pull off both sexy dark and gentle mature concept well.

Check out the MV here.

[Kpop song review] One – Samuel (Full Album review)

Hi guys! I have been wanting to do this since last week, because One is a really great album and I’m both impressed and proud of Samuel for pulling off such a good album like this. Just a soft reminder, but he’s only 16, and he’s a solo artist who actually majors in dance. But his voice is amazing and really stable in this album

I will skip One, you can read it here.

SOS

SOS is a cool R&B tune, and it’s exactly what I imagined Samuel would do the best at. Samuel just has that vibe that suits R&B really well. The instrumental beat with the constant shifts in tempo every time the song goes into a new part is pretty interesting. I specifically like the last part, where it’s just the music with Samuel doing the adlib. He really handles this song well, it’s upbeat and refreshing, and could be promoted side by side with the main song.

Princess

Another R&B tune (I told you he suits this really really well right). The song is so cute but makes you wanna dance at the same times. I also like that Samuel sings the chorus and some parts of the bridge in English, his good pronunciation makes every thing sounds better and has a US-vibe. The song starts out chilled, but as it moves to the chorus the beats get harder and makes you wanna dance, or at least nod your head along with it.

I can’t sleep

This piece is put in the middle of the album track list, and after 3 dance songs, this piece is a really nice change. I like how this song highlights his vocal well, while still has that pop dance instrumental, so it still fits well with the album as a whole. The chorus is the best part of the song in terms of showing off Samuel’s vocal skills and sweet tones, while the bridge gives me a vivid image in my head of Samuel dancing with a (female) dancer.

Clap your hands. 

This song is so awesome! That’s really all I have to say haha. I love the party vibes, the strong pounding beats, the synth notes and the simple chorus. This is really old US-UK vibe, but Samuel’s youthful voice has brought a new feeling to the song. And I love the first sentence “I got it from my daddy”, it’s just soooo full of swag. I can totally imagine a cool dance stage with this song.

Just a while (Jamsiman)

The song starts off with light beats and Samuel’s cute, clear voice, then the beats increase with the bridge. The chorus is light and upbeat,  but then it goes into a surprised dance breaks with strong beats. It’s just like how Samuel is, cute and young but also a powerful dancer and an idol with strong minds. The song is quite short, with just 1 verse and 1 chorus, followed by 1 dance break. It seems like a “Thank you” song that Samuel want to give to his fans.

Overall, this album is a really good one, and I love every piece of it. I even consider buying this album, because Samuel is such a sweetheart and I want to support him in every way I can.

 

[Kpop song review] Fiancée – Jung Joon Young

A super unexpectedly cheesy song from Jung Joon Young, that doesn’t seem to suit his bad boy image at all (LOL seriously it’s Joon Young we talk about, the one that Roy’s mother told him to Stay away). But the song is super good, and I love love love Joon Young’s voice so much.

Personally I really like how the song starts, because Joon Young’s voice, the music video and the meaning of the lyrics are all in sync from the start, and it helps set the mood for the song well. The song starts with Joon Young singing “Marry me” in a lazy voice, as he lies on the bed lazily while the girl tries to wake him up, and that tone goes on for the whole verse. The bridge shows off his beautiful powerful vocal, and the chorus is totally “aweeeee”, like the cheesiest thing ever but still manages to put a smile on my face. The song is a ballad piece with acoustic guitar at the beginning, but builds up into a bit of the “rock alternative” feel during the chorus, because of the drums and electric guitar sounds.

I also like how the story of his MV is built. From the beginning to the end, Joon Young totally acts like a bad boy, showing off all the “bad” things about him, the tattoos, the smoking, the “I don’t care it’s mine” attitude. Even till the end of the video, the girl was shown driving her own motorbike to the altar, and walking in while filming by herself, while the groom himself is just standing there waiting for her to come over. He even throws the ring at her (that part made me laugh out loud since I know a bit about his personality, and this just suits him very well). But after all, the girl is a badass herself, and they love each other enough to accept all that.

Check out the music video here. Turn on CC for English translations (it’s really cheesy haha)