*If you think you are experiencing symptoms related to mental health problems, please seek professional help.
A few months ago, a friend who used to be close to me, said this:
“You’re so fake. You’re such an attention-seeker”
At that time, I was obviously shocked. My whole mind and body reacted to this with “I’m not. I have never been and I will never be”
But now, I kinda wish that what that friend said was true.
I kinda wish that I was just faking my feelings. I kinda wish that all the anxiety that I’m suffering, all these sleepless nights, all the times when a panic attack hits and I feel like I am dying, when my heart beats so fast I can’t breathe normally, I wish all of these are fake. I wish they’re just emotions that I build up to get people’s attention. I often look at my hospital document and wish the prescription is not there. Mood disorder. Anxiety disorder. Bipolar disorder. Sleeping pills. I wish they’re all fake. If that’s the case, when I’m alone, I can turn them off and stop suffering. I wish I can do that.
But they’re real. They’re all real, like monster under the bed. They’re real. And what’s worst, they come to me when I’m alone, and disappear when people are around. Like how adults never believe when kids say they’re scared of the monsters.
I, for once, had wished that someone will go through this, and then they would understand how I actually feel. No, it’s not a one-time thing. No, it’s not because I’m overreacting. No, going out and drinking doesn’t help. No, I’m not making this up. No, it’s definitely not because I am not currently in a relationship.
But right after that, I knew I should not have wished for such thing. I should wish that nobody has to go through this instead.
If you’re here and you feel the same way, trust me, you’re not alone. And trust me, with the right help and the right people, with the courage inside you, you’re going to get through this. It is gonna be a long journey, and as of now, as I am writing this piece, anxiety is still hitting me and I swear I’m this close to a breakdown (you can’t see me but my fingers are very closed together). And if you ask me if it’s going to get easier, I could tell you, no, it’s not. It will never be easy, but you will learn how to battle with it and come out alive.
And remember, all your feelings are valid. No one has the right to tell you otherwise.
Love,
Sam.
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